The Endless Thread of Funny Pictures and Crap

[Corona]

there are various image-2-ascii converters around. they rule

[sin]

Here's a little something I threw together after I woke up.  Now that I think about it, that might make a good looking loading screen.

[sin]

Here it is as a loading screen.

[KoRo]

Nice.

[Vorter_X_]

[RedneckNoob]

Some things my friend emailed to me.

From family member Ken Pantling in England we get the following news item:

    "During a bungled surveillance operation a policeman opened fire on two innocent suspects thinking that he had been shot by one of them. He later realized that he had, in fact, shot himself, in the leg."

The Brits may be ahead of us on the way to total insignificance, but not by much.

LIFE IN THE 1500'S
                                                                             
These are interesting.

Most people got married in June, because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of  flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children! Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and  off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until
when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway.
Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could
obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found t have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

Three minute management course

    Lesson One:
    An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw
    the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

     
    The eagle answered: "Sure, why not" So, the rabbit sat on the
    ground below the eagle and rested.
     
    All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
     
    Management Lesson:
    To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
     
     
     
    Lesson Two:
    A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get
    to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got
    the energy."
     
    "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied
    the bull. They're packed with nutrients."
     
    The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
    strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating
    some more dung, he reached the second branch.  Finally after a fourth
    night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly
    spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
     
    Management Lesson:
    Bullmalarkey might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
     
     
    Lesson Three:
    A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird
    froze and fell to the ground into a large field.  While he was lying
    there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay
    there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The
    dung was actually thawing him out. He laid there all warm and happy, and
    soon began to sing for joy.
     
    A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following
    the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow  
    dung, and promptly dug him out
    and ate him.
     
    Management Lesson:
    1) Not everyone who malarkeys on you is your enemy.
    2) Not everyone who gets you out of malarkey is your friend..
    3) And when you're in deep malarkey, it's best to keep your mouth  
    shut!
     
    This ends the three minute management course

My Christmas Card,


For My Democratic Friends:
 
"Please accept with no obligation, implied or
implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially
responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the
winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of
the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your
choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions
of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions
at all. We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and
medically uncomplicated recognition of the of the generally accepted
calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice
of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America
great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other
country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. And without regard
to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual
preference of the wishers. By accepting these greetings you are accepting
these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It
is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It
implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for
herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is
revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to
perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a
period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting,
whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish
or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher."


For My Republican Friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year !

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail, but your best friend is the one sitting next to you saying "that was f***ing awesome"

If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

 

The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period.

 

That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. Capitol which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the nation, than you are in Iraq.

 

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington.

Let's hear it from Australia
 

Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia, as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.

A day after a group of mainstream Muslim leaders pledged loyalty to Australia and her Queen at a special meeting with Prime Minister John Howard, he and his Ministers made it clear that extremists would face a crackdown.

Treasurer Peter Costello, seen as heir apparent to Howard, hinted that some radical clerics could be asked to leave the country if they did not accept that Australia was a secular state, and its laws were made by parliament. "If those are not your values, if you want a country which has Sharia law or a theocratic state, then Australia is not for you", he said on national television.

"I'd be saying to clerics who are teaching that there are two laws governing people in Australia: one the Australian law and another the Islamic law, that is false. If you can't agree with parliamentary law, independent courts, democracy, and would prefer Sharia law and have the opportunity to go to another country, which practices it, perhaps, then, that's a better option", Costello said.

Asked whether he meant radical clerics would be forced to leave, he said those with dual citizenship could possibly be asked to move to the other country. Education Minister Brendan Nelson later told reporters that Muslims who did not want to accept local values should "clear off. Basically people who don't want to be Australians, and who don't want to live by Australian values and understand them, well then, they can basically clear off", he said.

Separately, Howard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques Quote: "IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians." "However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the 'politically correct' crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others. I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to Australia." "However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand." "This idea of Australia being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Australians, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle." "This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom"

"We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish
to become part of our society, Learn the language!"

"Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture."

"We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us."

"If the Southern Cross offends you, or you don't like " A Fair Go", then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from. By all means, keep your culture, but do not force it on others.

"This is OUR
COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, 'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'."

"If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted."

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a     man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no         thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of     thumb"
 
> -------------------------------------------
> Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
> -------------------------------------------
> The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
> -------------------------------------------
> Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
> -------------------------------------------
> Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
> -------------------------------------------
> Coca-Cola was originally green.
> -------------------------------------------
> It is impossible to lick your elbow.
> -------------------------------------------
> The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
>  
> -------------------------------------------
> The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
> -------------------------------------------
> The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
> Spades - King David
> Hearts - Charlemagne
> Clubs -Alexander, the Great
> Diamonds - Julius Caesar
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>  
> If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
> A. Their birthplace
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
> A. Obsession
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
> A. One thousand
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
> A. All were invented by women.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
> A. Honey
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
> A. Father's Day
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
> It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
> YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...
> 1.  You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
> 2.  You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
> 3.  You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of  three.
> 4.  You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
> 5.  Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
> 6.  You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
> 7.  Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
> 8.  Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.  
> 10.  You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
> 11.  You start tilting your head sideways to smile.  : )
> 12.  You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
> 13.  Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
> 14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
> 15.  You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
> AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Irreverent Jokes
Issue #103


The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one-by-one began to tell their stories.

“Johnny, do you have a story to share?â€

[Particle]

That was a lot of stuff, but it made a good read.  Funny shtuff.

[RedneckNoob]

I've even printed out several copies of some of those and have started taping them to the walls all over my school.

[Paradox666]

[villman420]

uselessjunk.com

best site you all will ever see

[KoRo]

[Vorter_X_]

omg love the beavis & butthead

[villman420]

[villman420]

[RedneckNoob]